Evening Comics Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Residency Scheme

TV's top hosts devoted the broadcast ridiculing President Donald Trump's recently announced visa initiative, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a obvious cash-for-residency system for the wealthy.

Colbert's Sarcastic Analysis

Opening his show, Stephen Colbert offered a mock Christmas jingle about the president. "He's compiling a list, reviewing it twice, before handing that list to the officials at ICE," he sang. "Donald Trump ... ruins each thing he handles."

The focus was the new plan which permits foreign nationals to acquire U.S. residency for the price of $1 million dollars, or "top-tier" version for five million. A government page pledges processing "in record time."

"One thought for you to wealthy immigrants: prior to you pony up, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert remarked.

He explained that the scheme is also intended to "squeeze cash" from businesses wishing to hire foreign workers, with significant fees. "That is a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you also get two free nights at a property of your choosing – as long as it's the that one hotel," he continued.

"The most thorough screening the U.S. government has before done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to ensure these people completely are eligible to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Critique

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the visa program the "Get Into America Express Card."

"This is a card that will allow rich foreigners to live here," he said. "In exchange for a million bucks, you get official resident status, you get a route to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"It might be time to revise that message on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the application, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"That's right, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel said. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Struggles

Elsewhere, Seth Meyers turned to Trump's plunging approval ratings amid financial worries. "People gave Donald Trump a another term because they were upset about the economy," he noted.

This week, in a attempt to discuss affordability, Trump conducted a press conference in front of a array of food items, and behaved peculiarly to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my home and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Such as the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a long time."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by criticizing right-leaning media defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.